No Expert in Love
By Abbey Benvegnu
Hey Wonder Woman!
The one constantly fighting battles, putting out fires and the one putting everyone else first, the one burnt out and feeling like the days never end with no reprieve in sight. The one raising those beautiful children on your own, this one is for you. Its blunt and its truth.
Your relationship is over, or its teetering on the edge of being over. Maybe it was going downhill long ago and the only reason you are still there is because of the guilt. Let me help you, let me guide you because I have been where you are and the PAIN SUCKS. You don’t have to be stuck in this pain. Literally just stop it, stop it now.
Arguments in relationships are a power struggle… so give up the power. This doesn’t mean you give in, this just means that the battle ends and it ends today. Forget what happened, what he did, or he didn’t do.. it doesn’t matter anymore. Because I will give you a new perspective, and if you REALLY want to be free and happy then you’ll take my advice.
FIRST! You need to focus on where you want to be, not where you are. The past no longer serves you and when I say the past, I mean as little as 10 minutes ago. Seriously, let it go… the pain doesn’t serve you anymore and you have NOTHING to gain from holding on. Holding on is tiring, it’s a negative state of mind and most women are happy in their unhappiness so do you really want this to be you?
Then you have to clear your baggage. We all have it.. boy did I have airports of it. And.. I was blissfully unaware. The moment I started unpacking I got lighter and lighter and lighter… and now… I just have my carry on, and that’s ok. It’s a lot easier to manage.
Now that you are clear.. that garden bed is weeded and you are ready to start planting the seeds.
Write down want you want in your partner (current or new)… physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.. write it down and hone in on it. Write your list… every one of us has one.. so write it down and be specific.. how you see your weekends, your family, your life, your sex, your future… what do you want. Then look at that list and ask yourself… is this what I am first prepared to give.
What we give is what we get back, it’s the age old Law of Attraction and I will explain how true it is with the things that went bitterly wrong with my marriage. I am not ashamed of it, I praise it and I’ve learnt. I accept and am grateful for the new insights I have now because boy am I excited for the next one in line. lol
The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love, and to be loved in return.
There was no love and no affection in my marriage and boy did I complain about it. I never felt desirable, I never felt wanted and I made it common knowledge to whinge and complain about it. But guess who’s fault it was. Mine. All mine… because no one will give you those things unless you give it out first. Its not a game, its simple science. You put a man and a woman together for long enough and naturally they will want to procreate. But halt that intimacy and it’s a tough gig to getting it back, especially when you’re too proud to admit you are the one at fault for it. If he’s asking you for sex and you are not in the mood… ask yourself why. And not one of those lame ass excused like “I have a headache” or “I’ve had a long day”… if your not intimate… there IS a reason why. Dig deep enough and you will find it.
I also complained of the lack in communication, never getting to the deep stuff and always tippy toeing around each others feelings not wanting to offend or hurt the other person. Big no no. Fuck! You have to say what you really think! And if you are in a place where you can’t, then you need to ask yourself… is this the right person for me. The things you go and complain to your girlfriends about, if you can’t SAY it to your spouse then you are in trouble. Don’t bitch behind his back.. give him the benefit of the doubt and talk about how you are feeling… if you come from a place of love and understanding then 100% it will be received well. And, if it ends up in a fight then GOOD… the sex is always better after a good argument. Just argue well… There is no right and wrong, no one is wrong, you both are right… so if you truly love this man and have his best interests at heart then you will forfeit your own ego to agree to disagree.
Then when its over… so many couples… ex couples are plagued with bitterness at each other and it literally does ZERO. Your children suffer, even if you think they don’t.. they DO! Children are naturally highly intuitive so even if you don’t say anything around them, they will still pick up on your feelings. They will mimic your feelings be it anger, hurt, sadness… they are sponging up everything you are dishing so do you want them feeling like that? For me is was a firm no. And when you start acting more out of love and compassion instead of fear and anger then you ex can’t fight you on it.. it gives them no ammo. And don’t worry because I still slip up, its hard… but when I do slip up the fallout is easier to manage and recover from.
When we let go of a lifetime of negative emotions its amazing how much it positively effects our relationships, be it a past one or a new one. My ex and I are on great terms, there is no bitterness, we communicate regularly and I even consider him my “friend”. After all.. I was married to him. How ironic the communication is now better post separation than it ever was. But that’s ok, our children benefit from it.